I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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