forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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