Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I wear drunk well.
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