so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
