My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
