Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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