She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
