Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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