I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
