I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
