Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
