if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
