At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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