"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
