if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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