Apparently you make a good broom.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
