I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
