I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
