Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
