Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
