Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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