you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
