I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize