dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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