Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
