how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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