This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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