If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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