If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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