nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize