chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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