your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
