i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
