apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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