I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize