I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
