i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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