i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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