You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
