Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
