She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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