I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
