There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
it's like heaven, but drunker
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
