she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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