I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
