I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Drake has all the answers
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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