Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
