There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
