At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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