dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize