I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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