You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
