I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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