I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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