I want to have your abortion
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
