I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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