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why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
