You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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