my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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