this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
