I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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